Site Columns
By Chris WalesOctober 11, 2004 - 11:53 PM
See Also: 'Grand Master' Episode Guide
Hello World!
Oh, how I hate call centres.
And I have every reason, because I've worked in one. They are places where thought, wonder, amazement, productivity and usefulness all merge into one huge, magnificent nothing.
I live in the UK, but I suspect my experience with call centres is probably replicated throughout the world including wherever you might live. You know the drill. Something breaks, some bill payment didn't get through, your service got accidentally stopped... so you ring the dreaded customer support number.
"Welcome to Incompetcorp. To help us route your call effectively, please select one of the following options." One can say with certainty that whatever safe-cracking combination of numbers I enter on the keypad, I'll still get through to the same useless wally in the same nebulous department I called last time.
"For a dead monkey, press 1. For a fried dead monkey, press 2. For a fried dead monkey with a banana under each arm, press 3. For a live rabid monkey with a frying pan, press 4...". Let's objectify this. Almost certainly, this eclectic and cosmopolitan list of choices you proffer does not contain the option I want, and I'll have to listen to the whole lot to hear the option I'll choose regardless that lets me speak to someone. One can guarantee that if I press the wrong button, unlike the humble internet browser there will be no "back" button... merely an automated message that gives me a twee thank you, a phone number, and cuts me off so I have to ring again.
"Your call is currently being held in a queue and is very valuable to us. Please hold for an advisor." I could have tapped options 1-2-4 to get here. Or 2-3-6. Or I could have tapped out the theme tune to CSI using my touch-tone keypad and I would STILL have wound up here. My call is being held in a queue not because it is very valuable to them, but because the charge on the premium-rate number is and staffing call centres isn't. Alas, unlike Disneyworld, there are no signs bearing the words "20 minutes from this point".
And the moment of truth. The advisor, who 50% of the time will not speak your native language, 25% of times will transfer you into another queue, and the remaining 25% will be as much use as a solar-powered torch. Today I got transferred to an ISP's technical support desk who didn't know the brand of modem they supplied and had to transfer me to the sales department, who transferred me straight back... computer support lines typically instruct me to restart the computer, remove all software but theirs, all hardware but theirs, check the power cord; retail support lines who have no record of my purchase.
This is the United Kingdom. We used to own a quarter of the world. Why do we have call centres staffed with people whose job entails them doing two-thirds of three-fifths of nothing?!?
Oh, how I hate call centres.
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CBS will air CSI: New York episode "Grand Master" on Wednesday at 10:00pm, Eastern Time. This week's CSI: Crime Scene Investigation will air on Thursday at 9:00. According to TV Guide, "Grissom and his crew investigate the kidnapping of a 12-year old girl taken from a convenience-store parking lot while her older sister is inside. The case hits the CSIs hard and Catherine even harder after Lindsey is picked up by police for hitchhiking. Back in the lab, Greg's latest replacement attracts Warrick's attention but her eccentric personality could be a problem."
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